My perspective at the moment

Zoe, who channels the guidance for this blog, (I ask the questions of the spirit guides and type it up) has been encouraging me to write about my personal experience of having a fourth recurrence of stage 4 cancer. I have felt reticient about this for a number of reasons: 1) this blog is not about my thoughts but rather chanelled information from a group of spirit guides,2)I feel quite vulnerable sharing my thoughts, emotions and fears. However, I have decided to do so and the following post is by me, about me, for you. So, very different from the rest of the content on this blog. In October 2011, a routine scan picked up cancer nodules in my lungs, breast cancer secondaries, I was terrified as I understood that the medical community believed that breast cancer secondaries are "incurable" and can also spread fast. This was the situation that I had been dreading ever since I was first diagnosed with early breast cancer 8 years before, although I had had a second and third recurrence in the intervening years these had been isolated tumours not crazy all over the place cancer. I became more and more terrified as the cancer worsened really quickly despite all my efforts. I was soon struggling to walk or stand and my hips were very painful. The cancer had eaten holes in my hips (and other places to)o and it was widespread thorughout my skeleton. I could hardly breathe as I had several litres of water on my lungs and was vomitting alot. The treatment I was on really hit my immune system and I had several emergency blood transfusions and admissions to hospital, additionally I couldn't face food or water. Looking back I don't know how I kept going but I did, even when nothing appeared to be working. I had and still have the knowing that anything can be cured or healed. There is evidence (from a number of case studies on all types of illness) to suggest this is the case but my knowledge of energy medicine and trust in the power of God shored up this belief. There are far too many knock backs, needles and being cut up to mention but things got worse when a brain scan showed I also had cancer on my brain. I felt I had really hit rock bottom and was terrified of the conventional treatment offered to me and also terrified of this monster attacking my brain and how that might affect me. I decided not to tell people as I thought it would freak them out. As usual, my emotional crash did subside and real anger and a "how dare it" attitude kicked in. I had had enough and was even more determined to become completely healthy. I upped my natural healing regime and really tried to surrender to the will of God, whatever that be. The healing from my healer in Forres was helping as was the new chemo I was on. I was really helped by reading, "Dying to be me" by Anita Moorjani. It describes an incredible near death expereince after she almost died from cancer. After coming back to life, out of a coma, her body recovers completely from cancer. Her message, amongst others, is to surrender and love yourself. I had my own amazing miracles in the latter part of 2012 with the cancer healing comepletely from my brain and lungs. I cannot explain how amazing that felt and how unbelievable it felt too. I am so grateful for my body's ability to heal and it has demonstrated it can do brillaince things! However, since then it has become more active in my lungs again. This has really scared me and made me question my faith in my ability to heal and whether I am just plain mad. Luckily, there are enough people to reassure and support me. Although, I find it really painful and upsetting to hear about others with cancer whose situation deteriorates or who pass over. Especially, friends. I remind myself that everything is temporary and to see them in their divine light as beautiful strong beings. At the moment I am working on getting as healthy as possible and raising my vibration by experiencing as much love and gratitude as I can. A recent course with Sandra Ingerman (shaman from New Mexico) helped keep me on track with my manifestation tools and decreeing that, "I am well" rather than petitioning for wellness. But it is all really tough on so many levels and in so many ways. My biggest challenge is enormous fear and staying in a space of surrender and love and gratitude.